I’ve been listening to a lot of positive music lately. Partly because it makes me walk faster to class, and partly because I need a little positivity in my life now that my future is a complete mystery and my past really, truly is my history.
Have you ever just looked around you, paused, truly paused, for a moment and wondered- where am I going to be five, ten, thirty years from this moment? And will what I’m about to do, what I’ve already done, completely alter that?
Recently it feels like every single thing I do is somehow, in the grand scheme of things, making some giant, unseen but totally felt, impact on my future. And, in all honesty, what is my future? It’s not some tangible object I can really mold and carry in my pocket and look at when I’m lonely- it’s this blurry, cloud of nonsense that floats around in my brain that people arbitrarily talk about when questioning how much money I’ll be making in the near future. And frankly, I am not friends right now with my future. Our relationship status is “it’s complicated.” Cause I can’t escape it, and I have this invisible chain to it, but, man, I am so tired of listening to it all the time.
Does anyone out there know what I mean?
I am young, I’m passionate, I’m creative, I’m fun, I’m pretty funny, and there’s a lot of other irrelevant qualities I could list about myself that would make me (and you) feel more secure in the person I am and that I will achieve something and have a bright future. But, despite all the things about me I think are valuable, there’s one thing I’m not- prepared.
I am organized to the point that it’s obnoxious and I’m ambitious (which results in extremely busy) to the point where other people don’t even want to hear about all the things I’m doing right now. But are these all the keys to unlock that pesky door that is, my future?
I don’t know. Because, honestly, I don’t want to know. I’d like to enjoy everything I’m doing right now with a sense of passion and fun and honesty and creativity because that’s what makes me happy-that’s what makes me love who I am and what I’m doing. I’m getting really tired of doing everything with a future agenda in mind and doing all these things I love with some end result, some goal in mind. I just want to…be me. And live as myself.
I feel like nothing about this obscure post really gets across how I’m feeling, but that’s what’s going on in this cluttered mind of mine.
The only future I’m truly prepared for, is this little guy’s. My baby nephew.